Sunday, March 19, 2006

What's to be said?

I got a call from my mother today. It's not the first one I've received since we arrived in Utah, but the first one of substance.

We've been estranged for years, probably about 20 years or so (more than half my life) as a result of abuse (physical, verbal and emotional), her drug use, and other unsavory actions on her part. During the course of today's conversation, she apologized for a good many decisions she made, told me about how in those years, she's lived on the streets homeless for 2 years, served 2 years in federal prison, did copious amounts of drugs, traveled to South America (I can only guess why), been in knife fights, found religion, and cleaned up her life. She says she's been off drugs for the last six years and has been trying to find me. I can only take her at her word for all that. I also admit to not really wanting to be found by her as she brought pain to my life and I really don't need any more than I have already.

I'm not sure how I feel about re-integrating her into my life, but I'm willing to take things one day at a time in small baby steps. My daughters would like to have another grandparent to visit/receive gifts from and perhaps, if she's indeed reformed, they can learn a few things from her. Mostly things NOT to do, but every little bit is an education. Toward the end of her monologue, I told her that I couldn't think of anything to say, and she told me that she didn't need me to say anything.

We'll see where this leads.

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